


She Was Somebody's Mother

by HannahBoBannah



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 03:24:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16568714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannahBoBannah/pseuds/HannahBoBannah
Summary: In a perfect world no one would have ever known. Secrets were secrets for a reason and she had no intention of sharing hers, not even with her husband.





	She Was Somebody's Mother

In a perfect world no one would have ever known. Secrets were secrets for a reason and she had no intention of sharing hers, not even with her husband. She loved Jake, of course she did, but the fear that her secret could make him love her less was far too great and so it wasn’t worth taking the risk of telling him. On top of this, she knew that revealing her secret didn’t just affect her, it affected her entire family, and she wasn’t prepared to destroy the relationship she shared with her brothers, at least not without good reason. Unfortunately, that reason came two years into her marriage.

“How long have you been trying to get pregnant?” the doctor asked seriously, looking up from her clipboard with a furrowed brow. Jake immediately began counting the months on his fingers, bringing a smile to Amy’s lips as she turned to face him.

“About eighteen months now” she offered after a moment of uncertainty and quick mathematics. Jake nodded in agreement to her estimate and he took her hand in his own, squeezing lightly as a comforting gesture. It had been an easy decision for them, the decision to have kids, and they had been trying for most of their marriage. It wasn’t until recently that the reality of their struggle to conceive set in. Gina was already onto her second child, their parents were all but begging for grandchildren, and Charles was constantly blaming Amy for not bringing a baby Peralta into the world yet. The pressure was all too much and once Amy had taken up stress smoking again Jake booked them an appointment with her gynaecologist.

“And how often would you say you’re having intercourse?” the question made them both fidget uncomfortably, but they knew it was important to answer every single question, no matter how awkward it may feel to discuss their private and intimate relations.

“I’d say we have sex regularly” Jake shrugged, looking to Amy for reassurance. 

“Probably a little more than usual these past six months, actually” she added, to which the doctor nodded and wrote something down on her clipboard.

“Okay, so according to your physical exam Amy I noticed that you’ve given birth before, could you tell me how long ago that was?” immediately it felt like the world had come crashing down around her. Jake’s eyes had widened, and he turned to look at her in an instant, his questioning stare burning into her skin. There was a ringing in her ears and she could barely register the words coming out of her doctor’s mouth, everything felt like it was spinning wildly out of control and a nauseas feeling bubbled in her stomach. Jake was never supposed to find out like this. 

Trying to compose herself, Amy took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “I’m sorry, what was the question?”

“When did you give birth?” the doctor repeated, her regular clinical tone replaced by the caring voice she only ever saved for emotionally difficult situations. Taking another deep breath, Amy opened her eyes and prepared to jump off the deep end and share her deepest, darkest secret for the first time.

“Twenty-one years ago.” Jake didn’t have to do the math to know she was only a kid herself at the time, and the way he squeezed her hand again didn’t comfort her like he hoped. Instead, she carefully retreated into herself and emotionally detached from the situation at hand. It wasn’t until they were alone in her car after their appointment that she finally said something again. “I should have told you.”

Jake turned to face her, his eyes soft and a caring smile on his lips. “It’s okay.” This was enough to calm her panic and they drove home in silence, both wondering how to broach the subject because this secret couldn’t be put back no matter how hard she tried to ignore it.

Once they were home Amy slipped out of her sergeant’s uniform and turned on the shower; it was her favorite place to think. After a few moments Jake had entered the bathroom as well and not a word was shared between as he stepped into the shower behind her. They remained silent as he wrapped his arms around her and she let him hold her, accepting his embrace and longing for his touch. There was no expectation for her to speak. He didn’t care if she explained it all, he just wanted her to know that he loved her, and nothing could ever change that. They stood together in the shower, Amy lost in her thoughts and Jake lost in Amy, and it wasn’t until they were lying in bed later that evening that she finally told him everything.

“I was sixteen when it happened.” The words had taken him by surprise. All evening they had avoided the subject, talking around it and trying their best to pretend that everything was normal. Now that she finally felt comfortable opening up to him, he knew it was best to just listen and support her. So, he let her be the little spoon for once and held her so tightly in his arms. “My mother had signed Tony and I up to be Sunday school teachers at our church and I was partnered with this boy, Chris. He was a senior and his mother was in my Mum’s book club. At first, he thought I was a total nerd and I thought he was a meathead jock, but then we got to know each other, and he was sweet. We spent the whole year teaching together and I guess I developed a crush.” She paused for a moment, sucking in a breath of air and it hurt Jake’s heart to know how difficult this was for her. “At the end of the year our parish’s Priest threw a party for all the volunteers. It was lame, the music was awful, and no one was having fun, so Chris suggested that some of us go out for dinner. It ended up just being Chris and I, and we didn’t get dinner. Instead, he bought some wine coolers with his fake ID and drove us to the local make out spot. I was pretty nervous and against my better judgement I had some drinks. Thinking back on it now I was so naïve, I thought we were just going to talk. Obviously, we didn’t. By the time I found out I was pregnant he had gone away for college and I was so scared.” She was crying now.

“What did you do?” Jake asked for the first time, hoping that the sound of his voice and his warm embrace might ease her pain; it didn’t.

“For the first five months everything went on like normal, but as soon as I started showing my Mum homeschooled me. I had wanted to get rid of it, but my parents wouldn’t let me, and I don’t think I could have gone through with it anyway. We decided that they would raise the baby, and no one had to know that it was actually mine.” The puzzle began piecing itself together and for the first time Jake realized that her younger brother Luca was the little boy she had never wanted. Everything made sense and the distance Amy kept between herself and the young man wasn’t so strange anymore. 

“Was it hard?”

“Not at first, but the older he got the harder it became. He looked just like me and every time he cried I felt guilty. So, I distanced myself and refused to build a relationship with him. Even now I barely know him, my own kid.” She wasn’t crying anymore, at least not that Jake could tell, and this made it easier to ask questions. 

“Does he know?” This question made her stiffen uncomfortably in his arms.

“No. We agreed that it was best not to tell him, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea anymore.”

“Why?” she was still tense, and this question didn’t help to calm her stress, but it was out in the world now and there was nothing he could do to take it back.

“I just- I just keep thinking that someday he is going to find out and I don’t want him to hate my parents for it. They raised him so that I could have the life I always wanted, and I know that makes me seem selfish, but it all worked out for the best. My parents gave him the childhood that I never could have, they loved him, and they could provide for him; I couldn’t do that, even if I tried.” She paused for a moment, composing herself before speaking again. “If he is going to find out I want to be the one to tell him. It’s my responsibility to destroy the only reality he has ever known. I should be the one that he resents.”

There was a brief moment of uncomfortable silence as Jake considered her words. “You know that I will always support you, and if you think that telling him is the right thing to do than I agree.” This was everything she needed to hear, and it was her husband’s loving support that made up her mind.

“I love you Jake”

“I love you too Ames”.


End file.
